Who am I meditations and reflections. It’s an endless pursuit, but I’m compelled to continue to search and define who I am. I want to define my Ego under the examination of increased awareness and acceptance of my past and present realities. My past experiences are part of me, including all of the fear, guilt, shame, joy, love, inhibitions, uncertainty, etc. My present subconscious thought patterns are also part of me. Now that I have developed some skills to be more aware of them, I want to work on complete acceptance of them.
I do not want those experiences to define me. However, I do want to genuinely embrace and them.
The question is how to embrace and let go?
Why do I feel an inherent need to hold onto certain thought patterns? Even as I work through them, and they no longer control me per se, I feel like they are part of me. The man that I am becoming today is without a doubt influenced and motivated by those past failures and present ruminations.
As I venture into the acceptance of fear, guilt, and shame with the intention of also not wanting to necessarily repeat those negative patterns, I must maintain mindful awareness of my present self. A paradox presents itself. How to overcome fear by embracing it. It’s exploring the relationship between accepting something and not letting it control you. Perhaps presence is the key.
Patience – my main weapon for handling uncertainty.
Breath and courage – my main weapons for handling fear.
Presence – my main state of mind for handling life.
Vulnerability, empathy, and boldness – my tools for connecting with others. Also, key is acceptance and curiosity towards other’s vibes without letting their vibrations penetrate my own energy.
Feel who I am in my core – all physical and emotional sensations, as well as thoughts and memories already there, and thoughts and narratives triggered by sound and senses. Then be open to whatever I find without judgement or logic. Just feel, accept, and embrace. I relate to these findings as my subconscious.
The other half of me, my doing conscious mind is the present half. The part of me that is becoming and creating. The present half determines my future, but it must be in harmony at all times with my subconscious half. That is to say the conscious mind must not always seek to overrule the subconscious mind, but also must not be ruled by it.
This is my work. It’s hard. Its challenging. It’s personal. But it’s also strengthening, rewarding, and I love it!
What is the connection between my energetic core, and my subconscious learned behavior, my psyche?
Are they the same, partly similar, or completely different?
Energetic core is different. It’s energy. It’s a portal into my subconscious. It gives me access and abilities to change, embrace, and be conscious towards learned behavior. This is the fusion between energy and matter – soul and consciousness. In that light they are one in the same and altogether different.
I want my energetic core to become stronger so that it can contain more of my subconscious. The stronger my core the deeper into my subconscious I can venture, without adverse effects.
These are not facts, rather exploration and reflection of psyche. What’s presented each day is present knowledge and understanding, which are subject to change based on further exploration, knowledge, and understanding.
My foundation is to know self, accept and embrace my truth, and ultimately explore fear and uncertainty within myself so that I can further love myself and others. Undoubtedly, I will come across ugly stuff, embarrassing things, and shameful things that may or may not be shared. Shedding light on my truth will hopefully prove to be therapeutic and enlightening for myself and others.
What’s your process for discovering and owning who you are?
Panama Memphis
Mindfulness Journal 