Disappearing
It dawned on me the other day that at some point in my early childhood, I decided that it was better to become invisible, a fly on the wall, versus being present and seen in all situations. I don’t recall the specifics of this decision. All I can remember are the feelings that came with thinking it was best not to let people see how I really felt about anything. Those feelings were also counterbalanced with extremely strong urges to express myself – my goofy, loud, overbearing, witty, competitive, loving, funny, judgmental/non-judgmental selves.
What remained, and what manifested was a shell of a human being. I became really good a mimicry. I learned how to employ people, to give them what I thought they wanted. So many of my social and personal hang ups as an adult can be traced back to this decision.
Michael was a fortress. No one could get in, and I couldn’t get out.
Inside I was slowly retreating. Mad at myself for not speaking my mind, but terrified to do so. Hanging onto relationships by a thread. Striving to be perfect in the eyes of others, and only accepting perfection from myself. A painful tumor began to grow inside. A secret that only I possessed, and that I guarded with my every breath. The folks that thought they knew me, didn’t know me at all. The folks that thought we were close didn’t know how one sided the relationship was. Although I wanted deeply to connect, be real, and vulnerable my heart and my ‘self’ were heavily guarded. Michael was a fortress. No one could get in, and I couldn’t get out.
Patterns began to emerge. Eventually most of friends and loved ones would fade away. Most of my relationships never had a falling out per se, rather a slow drifting apart like two inanimate objects lost at sea, carried in separate directions by an unseen current. I’m not even sure if they knew or cared why the relationship dwindled. I was always too afraid to ask. I told myself it was for the best, that I was unable to reciprocate any real feelings and authentic opinions. That I was only a burden on the relationship. I became altruistic of sorts, telling myself that I was only holding that person back, and it would be gracious of me to let them go forth and blossom. Inaccurate internal narratives and feelings of guilt and shame only strengthened the lie as I witnessed folks grow in depth in their relationships with others and themselves, all the while I remained stagnant. I’m actually reminded of a recurring dream I had as a child (running from an terrible unseen monster and getting stuck in quicksand while my family escaped into the distance), but that’s a story for another time.
Keep in mind, at this point in my life I’d completely forgotten my intentional decision to become invisible, so these experiences left me alone, confused, and stuck trying to make sense of my inability to open up. I could not relate to myself. I was completely shut off. I had succeeded at becoming invisible.
A fantasy self began to develop. Inside I created a world where I was always right. I was strong and capable. Fearless. I told myself that I would continue to develop in the shadows, and when the time was right, I’d reveal to the world the perfect gentlemen. I began to embrace the concept of being a late bloomer. That gave me solace.
Here is where my talent and potential in the real world severely began to backfire and contribute to my defense mechanisms. I experienced a relative amount of success on the surface. I was always in the 99th percentile or so academically, physically, etc. I was well versed and balanced. I spoke well. I played piano, gymnastics, chess, and a whole host of other extracurriculars. I was highly competitive in sports, selected for advanced programs since early elementary, and I was smart and likable. Also confusing was that I appeared to be a natural born leader. In every situation I organically assumed a leadership position. It sort of just always happened like that. People would not stop looking to me for direction, and I couldn’t help but to always be the first person to speak up! Interesting enough, is when my leadership urges just sort of took over it was always authentic. I loved it, I wanted it, and I longed to live in that fleeting mind state of fearlessness.
But, underlying my temporary fits of authentic self-expression was a bedrock of fear, guilt, and shame. I strongly felt like the spotlight was unsustainable, and the pressure would immediately start to squeeze on me. Speaking up was in conflict with my fundamental state of being invisible. I wasn’t ready to be exposed and to step out of the shadows. I was still perfecting.
So as it goes, another pattern began to emerge:
1st – Having real friends and losing them
2nd – Rising up in positions of leadership and losing them
Both disappearing acts vs. anything flagrant. Each time I faded the pain became a little deeper, and the resolve to stay hide any real thoughts and feelings became a little stronger.
I was able to accomplish many things, despite feeling this way. Even as I experienced success my daily thoughts and being were consumed with guarding the secret. My defenses ever vigilant. Here’s a short list of some of my most public accomplishments – each its own unique internal torture chamber of fear.
- Captain of the Varsity Boys Basketball Team – given the Leadership Award
- President of the College of Arts & Sciences at University – the largest academic discipline at the University
- Founder of my own organization at University – exposed me to higher levels of visibility and leadership opportunities
- Summer Welcome Leader at University – A highly competitive position, spending 3 months in very close proximity with highly driven and charismatic individuals
- Homecoming court at University – essentially a popularity contest amongst leaders with high visibility
- Mystical 7 Tap at the University – Arguable the highest honor a student could achieve at the University
- Director of Operations before the age of 32 – Real world responsibility and leadership
With each outward success, the inward pressure cooker became too much to bear. I was also being confronted with a new reality. The older I became, my pattern of success and failure, and drifting away from anyone who showed interest was becoming mentally and emotionally unsustainable. I was burning bridges, and I had taken on financial obligations that could only be supported by a six-figure income. To fall from these new heights might potentially break my spirit. A different type of fear was starting to grow. One that threatened to isolate me from everyone for good. I had thoughts of running away, relocating, and living a simple and isolated life.
Reappearing
The day of awakening never quite comes as you think it will. To this day I haven’t had that coming out of sorts where I say to myself, “I’m ready to come out of the shadows and show everyone the perfect guy.” Nope, I no longer believe that fantasy is real.
Instead it’s been a slow and painful grind, one marked by reading, reflecting, and self-education. Emotional highs and lows are pretty consistent. Acceptance of painful realities that contradict the fantasy is a must. Long hours of meditation, journaling, and even longer gaps between moments of enlightenment describe the process well.
I started out by exposing myself to various concepts and reading self-help stories, which provided temporary relief. I believed I could grasp a concept immediately upon being introduced to it. But I recently came to realize that you cannot embody a struggle and overcoming experience by simply reading about another man’s experience. You actually have to go through it for yourself.
That’s what I’m doing as I write this reflection. You have to internalize the lessons and the struggles, and apply them to your own reality and experiences. That only comes with time and effort. In a sense, you have to become. It’s only through the struggle that you come to the realization, and more importantly the appreciation that there is no perfect self. The good news is that there is a YOU! There is a unique Michael that exists, and all of my experiences, the things I’ve learned, seen, been taught, and my internal narrative on those things are what create a self. There is a universal ‘My Truth’ that is real to every man, woman, and child. In fact, I would argue that the truth of each individual beings’ experiences and consciousness of those experiences is the one thing that any of us ever really knows for sure. At this present moment in my life, I know it to be the one truth that exists, therefore making all truths relative and yet sharing a common characteristic.
“There is a universal ‘My Truth’ that is real to every man, woman, and child. In fact, I would argue that the truth of each individual beings’ experiences and consciousness of those experiences is the one thing that any of us ever really knows for sure.”
Michael Ray Taylor
And so the invisible man, who is far from perfect is finally able to come face to face with the secret he has been guarding with every breath and fiber of his being since his childhood. What I decided was irrelevant, unworthy, and dis-interesting all those years ago was MY TRUTH – my interpretation of the external world around me. And that my friends is a misconception – a borderline lie!
YOUR TRUTH, is the ONLY story worth telling. It’s what connects us and what distinguishes us as individual, yet worth human beings. It’s only in the unfiltered telling of your truth that we find our similarities and the challenges that fuel us to dig deeper into overcoming struggles, exploring new depths, and reaching new heights as individuals and collectives. The many truths that exist are what colors our world. The level of courage and skill to which one is able to demonstrate and master the sharing of their truth with others in many ways determines the depth and breadth of your experience in this lifetime.
So as a little remix to the bible verse Matthew 5:16 “Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works”, and recognize their own similarities and differences within you and learn to appreciate the universal spirit and experiences that connect us all.
Mindfulness Journal 