Uncut journal entry from April 23, 2020. Thoughts on my journey to Self Actualization.
Yesterday was strange. The day started out strongly. I was up, exercised, and meditated by 8am. I completed a job application, and I started reading Jung.
Out of nowhere a funk settled over me. I was tired and unmotivated.
I think and feel like I let my emotions take over. I was frustrated at my wife for sleeping in until almost noon, and a wave of negativity swept over me.
Also, I was just tired. At one point I thought to myself, “Just rest. That’s ok.”
Weighing on me as well is contemplating how to put out, personas, etc. I’m still very much confused. Example: when a real emotion takes over, I’m a little better at processing it, but not so good at moving past it. Ideally, I want it to dissipate on its own, but I don’t always have the luxury of time to do so.
My mind ruminates. Perhaps it plays tricks on me. Also, the deeper I dive into self, I’m super conscious of ‘self’ v. others. I realized that so much of my thought and decision-making patterns have been hijacked by social conditioning. These words describe it well: pattern, automatic response, conditioning.
I find myself a little stuck and a little slow on putting out. The mind is very efficient. Starting to think for yourself is a slow, steady, continuous practice. It doesn’t come over night.
Question: Can a man navigate society without a persona?
If the answer is no, then what persona will I adopt?
Question: Can a persona be created from the knowledge of self?
There has to be a better way to put out that feels authentic.
What, or more importantly, when do I struggle with these concepts?
What are the triggers?
Is it stress, opportunity, conflict, fear, uncertainty?
Just as important, when do I NOT struggle with these concepts?
I need to become more aware of external and internal stimuli. I need to understand myself more and the patterns – new meditative focus.
Example: Today I was responding to two different job opportunities. Below are my different frame of minds responding to job posts:
- Company A: I have a strong inside track. I’m not really interested but the money is great. My response: faking it. Struggling to find authenticity
- Company B: I don’t even know if there’s a real opportunity on the table, but I like the idea of where things could lead. The opportunity is more aligned with my personal interests. My response: natural, couldn’t stop talking
So, regarding company A. that brings up a good question. Should I be able to fake it in order to meet my basic needs, or is that selling out?
Am I going to be okay working a job that I don’t love in order to survive? Is that good advice? Does that work for me?
I’m afraid to sell myself out. I’ve done it so many times.
I look up at the computer and this random quote is on the screen from someone’s LinkedIn feed. Perhaps it’s an omen. “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it” – Maya Angelou. Side note, omens took on further understanding and meaning since reading Paulo Coelho’s book “The Alchemist” – Great read.
Who am I socially? Is that the same as who I am personally? I guess all the selves beg the same question: Who am I professionally, as a father, sibling, friend, etc?
I want to be the same, but at least for now I’m unsure, and that’s okay.
I want to move from accepting emotions to taking action on them, becoming curious about them, and learning from them. By becoming curious and exploring emotions v. just sitting with them, I can engage with them and still accept them. They are inevitable, but they don’t need to be a waste – a void.
Mindfulness Journal 